Identities Abroad: Defining Myself in a New Culture

By Kelsey Turner, CASA Chile Spring 2019 (Brown University '20)

The last months leading up to my study abroad in Chile were weird. Because the academic semester in South America starts in March, I had nothing to do in January and February but wait around for my flight to take off. In that time of limbo, countless people asked me the same question—“Are you excited or nervous to go to Chile?” My answer was always the same—neither. To be nervous or excited, you have to be expecting something, and I had absolutely no idea what to expect from Santiago. I would be living with a family I’d never met, attending a university with 25,000 strangers, and speaking a language that wasn’t native to me in a city with a population nearly 500 times greater than my hometown in New Jersey. I couldn’t even begin to guess what it would be like when I finally arrived.

Luckily, once I landed in Santiago, I quickly realized that the excitement far outweighed the nerves. The amount of support I received upon arriving, from both my host family and the CASA program, helped ease me into daily life in Chile. There was only one problem—this girl living in Santiago wasn’t me. Everything I had used to define myself back in the US was no longer true. My friends and family weren’t with me, including my twin sister who I’d never been separated from for more than a few weeks at a time. As a member of Brown’s track team, I no longer had the scheduled routine of going to practice every morning. I was no longer a Brown student, I was no longer a runner, I was speaking a language and living in a culture that wasn’t familiar to me, and living with a family that wasn’t mine. Questions of identity started circling through my head as I tried to establish myself as a person in my new surroundings.

In this way, I experienced a type of cultural barrier that I hadn’t anticipated. I knew that I would have to adjust to the language and to the food and to a different pace and style of life, but I hadn’t considered this barrier of identity. Because I was coming from such a different background and context from the Chileans that I’ve met here, my identity wasn’t based on my past but rather in my present. My host family got to know me not as an athlete from Brown, but as family members who ate together, shared about how our day was, and talked about any struggles that we were dealing with. It didn’t take long to realize that the way I would define myself during my time abroad was not based on the things I’ve done or the tasks I’ve accomplished, but in my relationships with those around me.

Not only did I find myself defining myself in new ways, but I also found that this new identity that I was creating wasn’t what I thought it would be. I’ve always thought of myself as an independent person who generally likes to keep to herself. But in Chile, that simply wasn’t possible. Being thrown into an unfamiliar environment meant that I had to learn to embrace my dependence on others and ask for help when I needed it. Additionally, as I adjusted to the language, I had to get over the shame of sounding like an idiot every now and then and just speak without the fear of making mistakes. The quiet and independent girl I’d been was transforming into a person who was reliant on the help and company of others.

Looking back on this experience, one of the questions I have to ask myself is, in what ways have I changed after five months in Chile? I could answer that question in many different ways. I could say that I have a broader perspective of the world and a better understanding of cultural differences between the US and Latin America. I could say that I’ve learned to be a confident traveler and how to master the labyrinth of public transportation. But I think the most important change I’ve made is the way that I relate to other people. Only by separating myself from the people who have known me for my entire life was I able to realize that forming relationships doesn’t have to do with language or culture or background. It has to do with being present with one another in the moment, dedicating your time and thoughts to the people you are with. And through these relationships that I’ve made here in Santiago, I’ve come to a new understanding of my own self, based not in who I’ve been, but in who I am.